


Spiraling

by tomatopudding



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, First War with Voldemort, Hopeful Ending, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Order of the Phoenix (Harry Potter), Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Werewolf Remus Lupin, because we know how this story ends, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-02
Updated: 2020-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:48:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23028073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tomatopudding/pseuds/tomatopudding
Summary: Remus is losing himself in the work he does for the Order and it shows.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 21





	Spiraling

**Author's Note:**

> [Prompt: "We're not just friends and you fucking know it."](https://sleepy-lil-loki.tumblr.com/post/185630468246/prompt-list)

“We’re not just friends and you fucking know it.”

Remus doesn’t allow himself to feel guilty about his harsh tone when he sees the way Sirius’s shoulders tighten. In fact, he kind of relishes it, especially since he can actually see the tensing of the individual muscles without a shirt there to cover them up. This stupid war has left its mark on those narrow shoulders in the form of winding white scars, although Remus will always have him beat when it comes to those kinds of things. 

“I can’t do this right now, Remus,” Sirius says, stoic and resigned.

“Sirius Black not wanting to talk about things,” Remus shoots back, “I’m shocked. Who could expect such a turn of events.”

Picking a fight has never been something Remus enjoyed, but he feels itchy in an inexplicable way, uncomfortable in his own skin. 

Sirius ignores him, getting up from the bed. Remus watches him with predator-sharp eyes as he pulls on pants and trousers. The shirt goes over his shoulders, but he doesn’t button it yet. 

“Just say what you really mean,” Sirius tells him coolly, “I don’t have the time or the energy to deal with some kind of guessing game.”

Something in his tone sets Remus off and his teeth grind together so hard he’s worried one might crack, a growl rumbling deeply in his chest. Despite the fact that James was the sort of de facto leader of their little friend group, when it comes to all things base, instinctual, animalistic,  _ he _ is the alpha. His work for the Order has been forcing him to suppress that and although it has never been a part of his personality that he liked, he feels the need to let it go now.

“I’m not just some pity shag you can toss aside when things get to real,” he spits.

“Stop,” Sirius grinds out.

“I suppose I’ll just stay here like a good little boy and wait patiently until the next time you want to get your dick wet.”

Remus isn’t quite sure where this sudden vitriol is coming from, he knows it’s not true, the stress must be getting to him. The full moon isn’t even that close, but he’s been entrenched in a constant state of on-edge half-transformation, of using cruelty to show loyalty (he’s desperate for something to pull him out of it, never wanted to bring that aspect into his personal life) but at least it finally breaks through the  _ infuringly _ cool, calm, collected exterior Sirius has been wrapping around himself like a blanket.

“That’s never what this has been!” Sirius snaps, whipping around to face Remus.

“Then why won’t you just  _ talk _ to me,” Remus accuses, “you only ever get in touch for Order business or when you want a fuck and then it’s right back out the door. Talk to me, damn it!”

“It’s because I’m scared!” Sirius shouts then laughs, mirthless, “And you’re one to talk about  _ talking _ . This thing we have, it’s not a one-way street, it’s not like you haven’t been doing your fair share of avoiding me.”

Very suddenly Remus feels like he wants to cry, everything else draining from him like pulling the plug from a bathtub.

“Is it?” he asks, voice wavering, “Is there still...something?”

And suddenly Sirius is back on the bed, pulling Remus into his arms and holding him close as his shoulders shake.

“Of course it is,” he soothes, gentle and warm.

“I feel like I’m losing myself,” confides Remus, his voice muffled by the warm skin of Sirius’s chest.

“And that’s what scares me the most,” Sirius murmurs, “I feel like I can barely recognize you anymore and it terrifies me to think about what you’re going through and if I allow myself to feel or say the things I want to and what will happen if I lose you. I won’t survive this if I do.”

Remus knows that that’s as close to a confession as he’s going to get, at least in these circumstances. He’ll take what he can get.

  
  



End file.
